ponderings of my heart

This weekend we had no plans, and it’s been wonderful. Richard and Melissa went out of town to a missionary conference, so Zach, Lola, and I had campus/home to ourselves. We watched movies, made smoothies, and let the dishes in the sink pile up. Zach wrote lesson plans, I worked on my resume’s cover letter, and we went for a jog on the soccer field to relieve stressss.

Yes, the whole job search thing is truly upon us, and of course I’m not ready for it yet. It’s almost time for us to start doing adult things like apply for jobs, and I’m like, how did it get to be the end of February already? So not ready for this, like I thought I’d be. I’m reluctant to start planning for what’s to come in May because I’ve so embraced our lives here. I’m comfortable and challenged at the same time. I feel good here, I feel at home. And I look forward to what the weeks bring because I am always learning. I am working on trusting that God will soon provide a place for us that is just right. Not necessarily that is just right for us, meaning somewhere that we’d really like to be, but that is right for Him to work in and through us. I suppose He can work in and through us anywhere. There are always people to serve and love, always opportunities to be a light. I just want to be there, in that place where He is. And so I suppose I’ll just keep doing that here until we get there. And in the meantime we’ll fumble our way through job apps and apartment searches…

I won’t lie that the question of ‘What if we stayed here for a bit longer?’ has not crossed my mind on many, many occasions. I have wrestled with this and have asked my husband to wrestle with it, too. It’s a lot of things, but mainly one of them being that the nursing work and people I’ve got to know inside of that work have made such a strong impact on my life. Getting to know Dr. Rivera through Prince of Peace opened up another opportunity to work alongside the staff at Clinica Salvatore in Palin, the clinic I believe I’ve mentioned in an earlier post. What draws me to this place are the workers and their mission. Every single person on team there (there are 10) shares a vision to reach the rural community by meeting basic health needs and sharing Christ’s love at the same time. It is the kind of work place I can see myself being a part of. They have welcomed me like family. The clinic has plans to add on a pediatric dental clinic, a chapel, and a section for births and post-partum. They dream of hiring more nurses, a nurse director, and recruiting teams to come from the States to help with construction. The main doctor talks about starting as early as May, and a huge part of me longs to stay and actively participate in its growth and see lives change.

Victor (dentist) and Auri (dental hygienist). love them!

the general medicine room i spend the most time in with Dr. Rivera

this is the community; i am looking off the clinic's upper level

another view

The chances of Zachary and I staying seem pretty unlikely at this point, but the idea isn’t entirely ruled out. The main issue with staying would be making enough money to still be able to pay our student loans bill every month. Also, what would Zach do? Would he teach? And being close to our families in Nebraska is definitely a strong desire we’ve both always shared. We've had this desire to live in the same city as our siblings for so long, and thinking about not following that dream in order to follow something else feels... painful almost. I have literal dreams about family members. I miss my dad and my mom and my brothers and sisters and Borchardt parents so much that it makes my heart ache. We long to be part of their daily lives. Getting coffee weekly, going to football games, making dinner for them in our new home...

But after awhile, the tugs on my heart here in Guate seem to be all too frequent. Makes it hard to ignore them. So I am feeling a little confused. The most important thing I need to remember in all of this is to be extremely communicative with Zach about what I'm feeling, and him with me. It is so crucial that we be on the same page. That we talk, be practical, and pray together for our future. If both our hearts aren't in the plan, we will not be as effective, no matter where we end up. We are trying not to get too worked up about what's next, and just wait for God to whisper. We will apply for jobs in the States as planned. And above all we want to be obedient.

We know that the end of our time here would not mean the end of trips to Guatemala, and there are always ways to help the causes dear to my heart in Guate without me actually being present there. I do know that the Lord knows all, sees all, and understands all. I give up my dreams to Him and will wait to see what He will do with our lives.

I'm sorry that this reads more like the pages of my journal than a blog post! If you read and would be so inclined to pray, I would give you 5 hugs, a secret handshake, and a Quetzal. Whoever you are, dear reader, may our God bless you and keep you and just love on you so much this week.

Kristen